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Words

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I’m not good with words. This is evident in how I try to express myself. I tend to look up and try to gather my thoughts as I stumble through the words that come to mind in that moment. Tau will tell you I am a scatterbrain of note. I’ll be saying something but interject with an unrelated topic at times. 

The good thing about blogs is the edit button. You can press backspace and all the unnecessary stuff gets deleted. We don’t have that luxury in life. You can’t take back the words you’ve said in anger. You can’t take back the absentminded burst of gossip you really wanted to keep to yourself. Or even the not so impressive line you just delivered at an interview. (Have you ever played back an argument or a situation in your head and thought of a better or more compelling answer than the one you had said in the moment? No? Darn, it’s just me then.) 

I feel like I made a major blunder today with my words. But I’m choosing to let it go and not take myself too seriously. God is good. And I’ll hold on to what He’s said to me…

Faithful to the faithless

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God is faithful.

Those words have come up in different ways over the course of my relationship with God, more especially this year. It feels like a lifetime ago now but I can still remember so clearly crying out to God in the beginning of the year. Have you ever been in a place where you feel like your back is up against the wall and there’s no way out? I had recently resigned from a job with no guarantees of the future. A lot of people thought that was a stupid move (after a while I started to doubt too, any Thomas’ out there? Raise your hands) but I knew what God had said to me and at the time it was all hunky dory until after a few months of searching for a job and a few interviews where people just never really got back to me, I felt trapped. I started to question whether I had made the right decision, started to wonder what exactly God is was doing but it sure didn’t feel great. Money was running out. Honestly, my faith started to wither and I felt like the guy in the bible who asked God to help him with his unbelief. 

God was faithful to me when I struggled to trust. He still is. I heard Him whisper to me, affirming His nearness even though it didn’t feel that way. 

And 8 months into the year, I’m more or less at the same place as I was then and those 3 words still ring true. God is faithful. Whether I am or I am not. Whether I’m on some trust high or have no faith at all. Where I do not know the future, I know that He is good.

Today my best friend shared a video where this lady speaks about the winter seasons in life. You can watch it here. What stands out for me is when she mentions the barren trees.    Funny enough, I’ve never thought the leaves on barren trees would never grow again. There’s just this instinctive “spring is coming and everything will come to life again”. Friends, I want to encourage you to trust that God will bring things to life again in your life, whatever the need is. He is faithful to us as much as he is to the trees in winter while they rest and He’s doing stuff in the background that no one can see. He is faithful when spring rolls around and he clothes them in many shades and colours. 
And whatever season of life you’re in, He is faithful to you too. Even when you have no faith left, He is faithful and He will carry you through. 

Heal – Tom Odell

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Take my mind and take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal. Heal, heal.

Take my past and take my sins
Like an empty sail takes the wind
And heal, heal. Heal, heal.

And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last

Take the heart and take the hand
Like an ocean takes the dirty sand
And heal, heal. Heal.

Take my mind and take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal. Heal.

And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last

Full circle

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I can’t believe I’m back here again
Right back where I started

Dying..

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There’s this one thing I’ve been trying to wrap my head around, been praying about it, wrestling with it, crying about it and in all of that, a few days ago, it became so clear to me. I needed to die. If I was ever to be free, that’s what I had to do. Have you ever experienced something, like every fibre of your being is lashing out, wanting to have some sort justice, do something that would be totally justified but you know deep in your heart, you have to do the exact opposite? Stab it a thousand times. Choose. Differently.

I was reading Shawn Mcdonald’s online journal today and it was like he took the words right out of my head.
“I feel that God has been telling me to die. I feel scared and alone at times, I don’t know how to die… My will, my wants, my dreams, need to die.”

I know God is working things out, what exactly I’m not sure but I think this is the best time for me to lean into Him more than ever. A heart of flesh for a hardened one…

The Chemical, the comb and the heart

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So I went to the salon today. First checked out the one I usually go to (ridiculously low prices I tell you) but it was to full and I wasn’t in the mood for a patience lesson today, checked another but didn’t have the money for it then finally settled for a price elsewhere that was sort of in the middle. I was thinking in my head how women subject themselves to torture just to look good. If you relax your hair like me (see exhibit A), then I don’t know how on earth we constantly go back to:

Strike 1: the harsh chemical that almost, if not always, burns your scalp
Strike 2: if the hairdresser isn’t very careful, burns your already tender scalp with the water. *sigh*
(Ok, here I should add how the cold feeling that comes from the shampoo sort of makes you forget your troubles. I always look forward to this part of the hair relaxing(straightening) process)
Strike 3: that monstrous thing called a hairdryer. If its not in my hand, standard is I’m going to get burnt all over again.
Strike 4: (just for good measure. this one is a personal turnoff) the end result? Super oily hair. And those sometimes ridiculous styles that scream I JUST CAME FROM THE SALON. LOOK AT ME!!!

All for the love of beauty right?

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was my experience today. Very much like what I’ve mentioned but the only difference was what she did in the beginning. There are certain thing I’ve grown accustomed to regardless of which salon I choose. The hairdressers more or less do the same thing. Today, I watched as the lady did not use a comb on my chemical infested hair, just her hands. I’ve always thought to myself, maybe the thin-toothed comb sort of makes sure the hair gets straightened but as I saw today, that isn’t the case. It is the chemical that straightens, not the comb and I think sometimes we get our wires crossed on that one. Sure the comb helps but you can do with out it.

Almost feel like that comb. And God? Well its obvious isn’t it?

He’s that strong, straightening out the crookedness of our ways. Just want my heart to be willing to be straightened out and not stubborn, reluctant to change.

Nothing to lose

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Learning. Letting God be the center. Letting Him rescue, save my heart. Giving it over…

Coming home…

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“Father waits upon His son…
I just called to see if You still have a place for me… I’ll be coming home” – John Legend

Help! Well, its in front of you..

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When you feel like you screw up every good thing that comes your way,
Used up, sucked of all your flavour
Useless.
Looking for comfort in things that pass away, things that don’t last
They never do satisfy, do they?
Always leave you screaming, begging for more.
Never enough.
Destructive behaviour becomes your favourite past time.
That’s what useless people are good at, right?
You wallow in your pain, your sadness
There’s no escape route, you’re alone
Well, are you?

No.

You know what you’ve done? Mocked the very hands that created you, the One who’s been calling you, patiently
Can’t you hear Him?
The ONLY One who satisfies, faithful solace.
Even in your unfaithfulness.

Open your lips, speak the depths of your heart.
Take that step.

While you still can…

Opening the windows, taking off the self-made bullet-proof vest..

3am blog-posting therapy

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I can’t sleep. This usually happens when I’ve got something on my mind so i figured putting some of my thoughts out there would help somewhat. Lets see how it goes…

I was recently listening to this other lady who spoke at the Godfirst women’s camp. She said a few things that caught my attention and the one I’d like to zoom in on is how women have this thing of wanting to compare themselves to others or maybe to the societal standard. Its that need of approval we seek. “If I get straight A’s, maybe then my parents will finally accept me” or “Maybe if I start wearing short skirts like her, he’ll like me”…

Its so tempting and dare i say easy, to fall into such a pattern of thinking and its been a struggle for me but always being reminded that God approves of me and loves me. The most mind boggling part is that I didn’t do anything to earn it..

As I am.

And He loves us enough not to leave us where we are but to be more like Him. That’s my prayer this morning..