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I’m not good with words. This is evident in how I try to express myself. I tend to look up and try to gather my thoughts as I stumble through the words that come to mind in that moment. Tau will tell you I am a scatterbrain of note. I’ll be saying something but interject with an unrelated topic at times. 

The good thing about blogs is the edit button. You can press backspace and all the unnecessary stuff gets deleted. We don’t have that luxury in life. You can’t take back the words you’ve said in anger. You can’t take back the absentminded burst of gossip you really wanted to keep to yourself. Or even the not so impressive line you just delivered at an interview. (Have you ever played back an argument or a situation in your head and thought of a better or more compelling answer than the one you had said in the moment? No? Darn, it’s just me then.) 

I feel like I made a major blunder today with my words. But I’m choosing to let it go and not take myself too seriously. God is good. And I’ll hold on to what He’s said to me…

Faithful to the faithless

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God is faithful.

Those words have come up in different ways over the course of my relationship with God, more especially this year. It feels like a lifetime ago now but I can still remember so clearly crying out to God in the beginning of the year. Have you ever been in a place where you feel like your back is up against the wall and there’s no way out? I had recently resigned from a job with no guarantees of the future. A lot of people thought that was a stupid move (after a while I started to doubt too, any Thomas’ out there? Raise your hands) but I knew what God had said to me and at the time it was all hunky dory until after a few months of searching for a job and a few interviews where people just never really got back to me, I felt trapped. I started to question whether I had made the right decision, started to wonder what exactly God is was doing but it sure didn’t feel great. Money was running out. Honestly, my faith started to wither and I felt like the guy in the bible who asked God to help him with his unbelief. 

God was faithful to me when I struggled to trust. He still is. I heard Him whisper to me, affirming His nearness even though it didn’t feel that way. 

And 8 months into the year, I’m more or less at the same place as I was then and those 3 words still ring true. God is faithful. Whether I am or I am not. Whether I’m on some trust high or have no faith at all. Where I do not know the future, I know that He is good.

Today my best friend shared a video where this lady speaks about the winter seasons in life. You can watch it here. What stands out for me is when she mentions the barren trees.    Funny enough, I’ve never thought the leaves on barren trees would never grow again. There’s just this instinctive “spring is coming and everything will come to life again”. Friends, I want to encourage you to trust that God will bring things to life again in your life, whatever the need is. He is faithful to us as much as he is to the trees in winter while they rest and He’s doing stuff in the background that no one can see. He is faithful when spring rolls around and he clothes them in many shades and colours. 
And whatever season of life you’re in, He is faithful to you too. Even when you have no faith left, He is faithful and He will carry you through. 

Heal – Tom Odell

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Take my mind and take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal. Heal, heal.

Take my past and take my sins
Like an empty sail takes the wind
And heal, heal. Heal, heal.

And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last

Take the heart and take the hand
Like an ocean takes the dirty sand
And heal, heal. Heal.

Take my mind and take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal. Heal.

And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last

With Jesus in my boat…

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I’m deeply troubled. And these are thoughts I’ve had for quite some time now but I guess now I see the seriousness of it all. Have you ever seen something fall apart right in front of you? More you could see the cracks in the roof and ceiling but you never really did much about those cracks except talk about them. The water from the rains would drip through but the rains weren’t that heavy so it didn’t seem like an important thing to fix. But then, one day, you see dark clouds covering the skies and you know, a heavy downpour is on its way. Now its getting real, you’re seeing that cracks are going to lead to your demise.

To most, it sounds far too vague and covered by many metaphors. Over the past couple of months I’ve been grappling with a myriad of issues that affect the church, or particularly mine. Mainly church politics and the hushed murmurs (very loud though, because even when you think people don’t know, they do). Its so easy to pick out things that are going wrong (which is exactly what I’m guilty of) and talk about these issues passionately with those who agree with your views, you bash people in the process, start to lose hope in “the church”, start to distance yourself or maybe even reach a point of indifference where you don’t care anymore or you might have given up to the point where you’ve told yourself you’re leaving, searching for greener pastures because you simply can’t put up with the cracks. I know I’ve been there, had my “I hate church” days because of all the “injustices” I’ve seen. I’ve distanced myself, attended only because I was dragged there but no longer believed whatever was taught. Sure I loved Jesus but I really just wanted a break from what I’d come to know “church” as.

But today, I got stopped in my tracks as I was going on the default trajectory of blaming stuff on people and pin pointing faults in the system. Not to say that things can’t improve, they can. But at the heart of it, we’re sinful people. All of us. I grew up thinking that church folk were suppose to be the epitomy of morality. Well the truth is, the church is messy. The church is you and me. Sinful, broken people who’ve been redeemed with Jesus’ blood. The more people you add, the messier it gets. And in my frustration with how things are going and how it seems we, the church, aren’t going anywhere, something my best friend says to me ring in my head, based on a scripture in Psalm 127 that says, “Unless the Lord builds a house, they labour in vain who build it“. It reminds me that actually, the church, its Jesus’. And as much as my venting is because I genuinely care how the church is doing, it helps no1 if I try to fix and “build” something when is not even mine to do so.

So today, maybe more to myself than anyone else, I’m challenged to look to Jesus, the builder and the Cornerstone. And I rest in the knowledge that God is sovereign over all things and there’s a plan, that I probably don’t see. And that He helps me see, even a part of that plan. Even I never see the plan in this life, that He helps me be a part of what He is building, not my preconceived notions of what a church is suppose to be.

The minute our eyes are shifted from Jesus, we lose the plot. That doesn’t mean when we look to Jesus, we’re oblivious, busy singing, “with Jesus in my boat I can smile at the storm”. We’re not oblivious. We just know what’s important. And He’ll give us ways to build His church, the way its suppose to be…

Loving through the pain

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43 You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor[a] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so? 48 Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect. – Matthew 5

I haven’t read my bible in a while (and maybe that’s an understantement) but that’s just an aside. I come across a whole bunch of scripture thanks to all my cyber friends and a few months ago, I stumbled across this one. It was in a post written by Kate Andre. In it she talks about this lady who was praying for someone who has deeply hurt her. And you know how when we’ve been wronged, we try and justify ourselves, and in our anger want to be vindicated, we seek justice, we ask God to right the wrongs that have been committed against us? We never really take the time to pray, I mean take ourselves out of the situation and really pray for that person. Ever since I read that post, that is what God has been calling me to do and I guess it was all leading to this moment, when I’d have to pray when it hurts the most. When the pain is most unbearable and you just want to cave in and give up. I have no clever way of ending this post except…

Do it anyway. Pray. Because you understand grace and you know what it is to love…

At the bus stop.

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Today I was at the bus stop, waiting. And while I waited, this guy came, wheeled in my direction. Stopped a few feet from where I was. I greeted, he greeted back. He told me he was tired. I offered to come closer, give him some of the shade from my umbrella since it was blazing, my red feet even told the tale. He said he needed the sun. He said he. Was having trouble with Wits and that they had excluded him for a very minor thing and he went on to explain what it was. What caught me the most from what he said was this: he said he was at peace. Whether things were going south or otherwise. He said that he would prove people wrong. He had been told that people in his predicament never finished with their studies, that the odds were against him. His name, he said, is Themba. Hope.


Today I learnt something. What’s important? What are your priorities? Never neglect the people you love because you’ve got work to do, especially when they need you the most. I’m glad I learnt this lesson early on in my working career. I am sorry. I hope I am forgiven.


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Happy New Year er’bady! Hope you’ve all been enjoying it thus far. I’m pretty excited about the year!!! I’m too much of a realist to think its going to be peachy but I think for me, I’ve decided that I’m going to make the most of every day. Just hoping that I follow through and that by the end of maybe even by the middle of the year when the excitement with which I planned to do stuff is gone, I’ll still seek to see things through with all that I’ve promised or sought to do. But that’s just an aside…

Gratitude is something that’s been on my mind a whole lot lately and something happened a few minutes ago that made me see how important it is. I think we as humans always have this tendency to compare blessings, the success of our relationships, how much we achieve in school and even what kind of family you’ve been brought up in, with others and I think its sad that that is the measure we use to determine if we should be grateful or not. I remember at church this other day, my pastor, PJ Smyth was talking about this very thing, although probably slightly different, it was more to do with self-righteousness I think? (I am so bad, aren’t I? Need to listen to that preach again) and I remember how challenged I was by this concept. A month or so later, woken up by someone who’s on the phone,here I am. My first thoughts were, phew! At least my situation isn’t as bad and we’ve already gotten past that. But then something in me questioned this, so if things were going bad, would you still be grateful? Ouch much?

So I guess today, I’m encouraged to be grateful. And to find things to be grateful for, especially when things are not going well. I want Psalm 34:1 to be what I do, always.

Rainy day thoughts

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He leads me besides the quiet waters. He restores my soul – Psalm 23:2,3

One step forward, ten steps back…and hope.

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You look back
Oh, but you’re so good at that,
aren’t you?
No wonder you keep on crashing
Maybe you shouldn’t be in front of the wheel
No, you shouldn’t.

Remember the days when you used to have a posse?
You had a million and one options
Back up plans at your beck and call
Now you feel lonely because you decided to “foolishly” part ways with them
You think it will fill the emptiness if you go back
“Why does it seem better then, than it is now?”
You ask yourself

Its funny because even then,
you were lonely
Well, the curtains are open
You’ve been stripped bare
Its plain to see
You were hiding behind them
If this were a game of hide and seek
You’d be found easily
“You found me, You found me”

Your hands itch, they shake
“Just one more time won’t hurt”
It will
You go through page after page,
it doesn’t help, does it?
The quick fix’s stink isn’t so quick to leave
What did you think you’d gain?
Why do you constantly taunt yourself with the past?
Why do you love to take ten steps back?
For what? A moment? A puff of smoke?
Calling it pleasure is far too kind of you

So after a series of falls and slow wakings,
You tell yourself
“Its over, I’m done with you”
Aaah, finally.

It gets easier
But its hard as hell
Staying away

Telling your eyes not to linger where they shouldn’t.
When your fingers inch closer and closer towards that button, deciding to put that phone down
You so desperately want to chat but you don’t initiate that conversation
Walking away,
Running away

It gets easier.
Easier said than done.

Its good for your heart

Its good for mine

If its just a set of rules,
You’ve missed the point.
Find the point

It gets easier
Some times harder
He’s got your back

Because with every passing second comes a second chance

Its been hard but each day, He gives me the strength to fight. And I take it. I take it. I’m deciding to take it. </3

Full circle

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I can’t believe I’m back here again
Right back where I started