At the bus stop.

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Today I was at the bus stop, waiting. And while I waited, this guy came, wheeled in my direction. Stopped a few feet from where I was. I greeted, he greeted back. He told me he was tired. I offered to come closer, give him some of the shade from my umbrella since it was blazing, my red feet even told the tale. He said he needed the sun. He said he. Was having trouble with Wits and that they had excluded him for a very minor thing and he went on to explain what it was. What caught me the most from what he said was this: he said he was at peace. Whether things were going south or otherwise. He said that he would prove people wrong. He had been told that people in his predicament never finished with their studies, that the odds were against him. His name, he said, is Themba. Hope.

~~~

Today I learnt something. What’s important? What are your priorities? Never neglect the people you love because you’ve got work to do, especially when they need you the most. I’m glad I learnt this lesson early on in my working career. I am sorry. I hope I am forgiven.

Gratitude.

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Happy New Year er’bady! Hope you’ve all been enjoying it thus far. I’m pretty excited about the year!!! I’m too much of a realist to think its going to be peachy but I think for me, I’ve decided that I’m going to make the most of every day. Just hoping that I follow through and that by the end of maybe even by the middle of the year when the excitement with which I planned to do stuff is gone, I’ll still seek to see things through with all that I’ve promised or sought to do. But that’s just an aside…

Gratitude is something that’s been on my mind a whole lot lately and something happened a few minutes ago that made me see how important it is. I think we as humans always have this tendency to compare blessings, the success of our relationships, how much we achieve in school and even what kind of family you’ve been brought up in, with others and I think its sad that that is the measure we use to determine if we should be grateful or not. I remember at church this other day, my pastor, PJ Smyth was talking about this very thing, although probably slightly different, it was more to do with self-righteousness I think? (I am so bad, aren’t I? Need to listen to that preach again) and I remember how challenged I was by this concept. A month or so later, woken up by someone who’s on the phone,here I am. My first thoughts were, phew! At least my situation isn’t as bad and we’ve already gotten past that. But then something in me questioned this, so if things were going bad, would you still be grateful? Ouch much?

So I guess today, I’m encouraged to be grateful. And to find things to be grateful for, especially when things are not going well. I want Psalm 34:1 to be what I do, always.

One step forward, ten steps back…and hope.

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You look back
Oh, but you’re so good at that,
aren’t you?
No wonder you keep on crashing
Maybe you shouldn’t be in front of the wheel
Maybe?
No, you shouldn’t.

Remember the days when you used to have a posse?
You had a million and one options
Back up plans at your beck and call
Now you feel lonely because you decided to “foolishly” part ways with them
You think it will fill the emptiness if you go back
“Why does it seem better then, than it is now?”
You ask yourself

Its funny because even then,
you were lonely
Now?
Well, the curtains are open
You’ve been stripped bare
Its plain to see
You were hiding behind them
If this were a game of hide and seek
You’d be found easily
“You found me, You found me”

Your hands itch, they shake
“Just one more time won’t hurt”
It will
You go through page after page,
it doesn’t help, does it?
The quick fix’s stink isn’t so quick to leave
What did you think you’d gain?
Why do you constantly taunt yourself with the past?
Why do you love to take ten steps back?
For what? A moment? A puff of smoke?
Calling it pleasure is far too kind of you

So after a series of falls and slow wakings,
You tell yourself
“Its over, I’m done with you”
Aaah, finally.

It gets easier
But its hard as hell
Staying away

Self-control:
Telling your eyes not to linger where they shouldn’t.
When your fingers inch closer and closer towards that button, deciding to put that phone down
You so desperately want to chat but you don’t initiate that conversation
Walking away,
Running away

It gets easier.
Easier said than done.

Its good for your heart

Its good for mine

If its just a set of rules,
You’ve missed the point.
Find the point

It gets easier
Some times harder
He’s got your back
Always

Because with every passing second comes a second chance

Its been hard but each day, He gives me the strength to fight. And I take it. I take it. I’m deciding to take it. </3

Love…

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Today when I was in the shower, I thought of some of the things I was struggling with and where I was going wrong and I remembered the love chapter (1Corinthians13) because love had been such a recurring thought for me in the past few weeks, particularly loving when its hard to because I feel I’ve been failing dismally in that area of my life. Its funny because more and more, its as if God has been shifting my mind from focusing on what has been done (I really need to work on that whole training/renewing my mind thing) to where I’m going wrong. Its so easy to get caught up, make scenarios in your head, feeling like you need to be vindicated for there to be some kind of release in your heart. No one ever wants to do the hard work of loving in a tough situation, letting God work with your stubborn and rebellious heart and that’s the path God has been taking me down. Tough but necessary…

So today, when I was going through all these things and the scripture came to mind, I thought it would be cool if I pencilled down some of my thoughts concerning love, maybe for next few days, weeks? (Darn, now I’ve put myself in a tight spot and made a public declaration of accountability *face palm*) And the best place to start?

Jesus.

There’s a passage in the bible where Jesus is talking to His disciples about there being no greater love than someone laying his life down for his friends (John15:13). That really just got to me. Laying down your life means letting your selfishness and your pride take a back seat to consider the other person. Then there’s the fact that Jesus did that for us, people who weren’t loveable, people who more often than not shove His love for us right back in His face. I mean can you imagine that? That’s been really challenging me, even now as I think of it.

What more encouragement do we need to love than that? He so freely loved us, why not share this great love that we have the awesome privilege of knowing. And I guess for me, its always a reminder, that I can never love anyone if I don’t get it from the source…

Psuedo-happiness

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Have you ever really wanted something with your whole heart, dreamt of it, thought about it, made scenarios in your head about it? What was your response when you finally got it?

About two months ago, my mom just out of the blue said she’d send me money to buy a phone that could do more than just text and receive calls. Its something I’d been wanting for a while, what with most of my friends being on whatsapp, I always felt like it took an extra bit of effort for people to communicate with me so this would make my life (and the life of others, ehem) easier. So when it came up, I was like, “wow, its finally happening”. I remember distinctly how I felt. It was surreal. What I’d been hoping for for a very long time was coming to pass and my brain was a bit slow in processing it.

Ok. Maybe the phone example wasn’t the best one to use because I have another in my head, something that happened today (and the day before and a week ago). And although great because its something I’ve wanted for a long time, I got to thinking, “really Babalwa? This is what determines your happiness? This is what you thought would make you happy? Now what after this?”. I think its great to have desires and its also great to celebrate and be happy when God decides to give you those things (well even if He doesn’t but that’s a story for some other day) but letting those things determine your “happiness”, well not too sure about that.

Just making this a friendly reminder to myself. There are lots of great things in the world but I always need to be careful of making them the ultimate. It is only in Christ that I can find true joy, something that surpasses this pseudo-happiness that is fleeting.

Dying..

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There’s this one thing I’ve been trying to wrap my head around, been praying about it, wrestling with it, crying about it and in all of that, a few days ago, it became so clear to me. I needed to die. If I was ever to be free, that’s what I had to do. Have you ever experienced something, like every fibre of your being is lashing out, wanting to have some sort justice, do something that would be totally justified but you know deep in your heart, you have to do the exact opposite? Stab it a thousand times. Choose. Differently.

I was reading Shawn Mcdonald’s online journal today and it was like he took the words right out of my head.
“I feel that God has been telling me to die. I feel scared and alone at times, I don’t know how to die… My will, my wants, my dreams, need to die.”

I know God is working things out, what exactly I’m not sure but I think this is the best time for me to lean into Him more than ever. A heart of flesh for a hardened one…

The Chemical, the comb and the heart

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So I went to the salon today. First checked out the one I usually go to (ridiculously low prices I tell you) but it was to full and I wasn’t in the mood for a patience lesson today, checked another but didn’t have the money for it then finally settled for a price elsewhere that was sort of in the middle. I was thinking in my head how women subject themselves to torture just to look good. If you relax your hair like me (see exhibit A), then I don’t know how on earth we constantly go back to:

Strike 1: the harsh chemical that almost, if not always, burns your scalp
Strike 2: if the hairdresser isn’t very careful, burns your already tender scalp with the water. *sigh*
(Ok, here I should add how the cold feeling that comes from the shampoo sort of makes you forget your troubles. I always look forward to this part of the hair relaxing(straightening) process)
Strike 3: that monstrous thing called a hairdryer. If its not in my hand, standard is I’m going to get burnt all over again.
Strike 4: (just for good measure. this one is a personal turnoff) the end result? Super oily hair. And those sometimes ridiculous styles that scream I JUST CAME FROM THE SALON. LOOK AT ME!!!

All for the love of beauty right?

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was my experience today. Very much like what I’ve mentioned but the only difference was what she did in the beginning. There are certain thing I’ve grown accustomed to regardless of which salon I choose. The hairdressers more or less do the same thing. Today, I watched as the lady did not use a comb on my chemical infested hair, just her hands. I’ve always thought to myself, maybe the thin-toothed comb sort of makes sure the hair gets straightened but as I saw today, that isn’t the case. It is the chemical that straightens, not the comb and I think sometimes we get our wires crossed on that one. Sure the comb helps but you can do with out it.

Almost feel like that comb. And God? Well its obvious isn’t it?

He’s that strong, straightening out the crookedness of our ways. Just want my heart to be willing to be straightened out and not stubborn, reluctant to change.